In keeping with the popular theme bustling in the air of a new year, I thought it time to change my blog's title (never mind the fact that it used to be Моя Жизнь в Украине (My Life in Ukraine) and that it's been 7 months since I've actually held residence there.) ...but what to change it to?
It was a year ago today that I was in an airplane full of strangers headed to a foreign country as a teacher. Ukraine was so many things for me. I don't regret it in any way, and there are fruits gleaned from being there which I will treasure all my life. With these came a price, though, and it was one that left me in the darkest hole. At many times this year I felt that all the things that matter most to me had been heartlessly ripped away. Now through time's lens I can more easily say that this cost is just part of "A whole [God] planned/ Youth shows but half" (...though, a lesson learned doesn't take away from the reality of darkness.)
Elder Holland gave the weekly Tuesday devotional yesterday, and the theme was Luke 17:32, "Remember Lot's wife."
The struggle with depression is that it's a downward spiral. As events continued to be less than perfect for me, I was harder and harder on myself and slipped deeper and deeper. My body isn't perfect. It was hard to separate this from lies in my head, lies which lead to guilt and deeper sliding. Sometimes we need help, and it's okay. With a little bit healthier brain, my vision has been cast off of the "inevitable" downward. And in due nature of all circumstances that "just take time," I am ready to receive a new, additional source of help. With the wisdom from Elder Holland, my vision is now cast upward:
"Lot's wife had an attachment to the past that was stronger than her confidence in the future."
"Faith ALWAYS looks forward... Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there."
"Bring with you the best of every experience."
See, when I felt like everything dear to me (success in school, healthy relationships, FEELING love, even Heavenly Father's love, sincerely caring for others) was consumed by the limitations of my imperfect body, I saw nothing but down. But I'm here (and the "how" I'll save for less public settings). I explain this much, though, because of the change in my blog, the source of which is my new favorite discovery (also thanks to Elder Holland's devotional): Grow Old Along with Me by Robert Browning. I love every aspect of this poem: the message, the rhyme scheme, the diction, the irony, the metaphors and other facets I don't know the technical terms for but admire all the same. It is the source of my new blog title because of how necessary it is to let go of any desire to go back and do this year over; I've learned too much to pull a "Lot's wife."
One line captures in six words a paramount truth I now own: "As the bird wings and sings." That is, I have both a body and a spirit, and together, only, can I reach my purpose here. There will be times that the physical will inhibit the spiritual, but I will not despise it for they work hand in hand. I have confidence in the future, "For thence,--a paradox/ Which comforts while it mocks,--/Shall life succeed in that it seems to fail."
This is a blog of my life, and as I wing, I sing... that's how I'm choosing to be!
