винни рух: My Russian Treasure

I found BiHHi Pyx (Vinni Puh) on YouTube! This is my favorite memory within the walls of my host family's house:



Would it be too confusing if I raised my kids on the Russian versions of popular cartoons?

A Change, A Poem, and Lot's Wife

In keeping with the popular theme bustling in the air of a new year, I thought it time to change my blog's title (never mind the fact that it used to be Моя Жизнь в Украине (My Life in Ukraine) and that it's been 7 months since I've actually held residence there.) ...but what to change it to?

It was a year ago today that I was in an airplane full of strangers headed to a foreign country as a teacher. Ukraine was so many things for me. I don't regret it in any way, and there are fruits gleaned from being there which I will treasure all my life. With these came a price, though, and it was one that left me in the darkest hole. At many times this year I felt that all the things that matter most to me had been heartlessly ripped away. Now through time's lens I can more easily say that this cost is just part of "A whole [God] planned/ Youth shows but half" (...though, a lesson learned doesn't take away from the reality of darkness.)

Elder Holland gave the weekly Tuesday devotional yesterday, and the theme was Luke 17:32, "Remember Lot's wife."

The struggle with depression is that it's a downward spiral. As events continued to be less than perfect for me, I was harder and harder on myself and slipped deeper and deeper. My body isn't perfect. It was hard to separate this from lies in my head, lies which lead to guilt and deeper sliding. Sometimes we need help, and it's okay. With a little bit healthier brain, my vision has been cast off of the "inevitable" downward. And in due nature of all circumstances that "just take time," I am ready to receive a new, additional source of help. With the wisdom from Elder Holland, my vision is now cast upward:

"Lot's wife had an attachment to the past that was stronger than her confidence in the future."

"Faith ALWAYS looks forward... Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there."

"Bring with you the best of every experience."

See, when I felt like everything dear to me (success in school, healthy relationships, FEELING love, even Heavenly Father's love, sincerely caring for others) was consumed by the limitations of my imperfect body, I saw nothing but down. But I'm here (and the "how" I'll save for less public settings). I explain this much, though, because of the change in my blog, the source of which is my new favorite discovery (also thanks to Elder Holland's devotional): Grow Old Along with Me by Robert Browning. I love every aspect of this poem: the message, the rhyme scheme, the diction, the irony, the metaphors and other facets I don't know the technical terms for but admire all the same. It is the source of my new blog title because of how necessary it is to let go of any desire to go back and do this year over; I've learned too much to pull a "Lot's wife."

One line captures in six words a paramount truth I now own: "As the bird wings and sings." That is, I have both a body and a spirit, and together, only, can I reach my purpose here. There will be times that the physical will inhibit the spiritual, but I will not despise it for they work hand in hand. I have confidence in the future, "For thence,--a paradox/ Which comforts while it mocks,--/Shall life succeed in that it seems to fail."

This is a blog of my life, and as I wing, I sing... that's how I'm choosing to be!

Rise and Shout the Cougars Are Out!

Ahh, Cougar football...

Saturday's game:

Cougars: 21
New Mexico: 3

I love going to the BYU football games! Whether you're there to socialize, show school spirit, watch the intense people showing school spirit, or to actually watch the game it makes for a grand Saturday outing.

I went to my first game of the season on Saturday with my dear friend Brooke Harper. She and I always have fun together and the game was no exception...except it was FREEZING! We had our first snow Saturday. Hence the beanie, scarf, and gray sky. I don't think being cold is ever something I will adjust to.

Pick-Me-Up

CES Fireside, Elder Holland Sept. 2008

Bro. Bott (missionary prep teacher) told us we all better find a "pick-me-up" scripture every single day. This is my "pick-me-up" from Elder Holland. It hangs above my bed along with the lyrics to the closing song. Holy smokes, I love that song. It's by Rob Gardner called, "My Kindness Shall Not Depart from Thee." Anyway, my favorite quote:

"The Father and the Son will never forget or forsake you in your suffering. They've planned, prepared, and guaranteed your victory if you desire it. So be believing, and endure it well. In the end it shall be for thy good, and you will see everlasting dominion flow unto you without compulsory means."

The prepared plan was for Christ to come and fulfil the Atonement, which He did. I love that there is nothing anyone can do to take away that paramount event, that Christ died for all of us. If we choose it, our victory is guaranteed.

"kindness is contagious- catch it"

I can't remember if I ever heard her say those words, but when I read the words in the article and when they said those were the words she lived by I saw and heard her saying them in my mind. I'm pretty sure I heard her say it once or twice: "Kindness is contagious- catch it." She was always sharing good quotes. She told me friends and family thought it was ridiculous but she had a whole wall in her room covered in her favorite quotes.

The words weren't real when a fellow friend from Ukraine told me of the tragic plane crash that took Mandy's life. (ksl article: http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=4092033) Mandy and I were visiting teaching companions in Ukraine. We were also both on the enrichment committee. We didn't teach at the same school so I am grateful for our church callings together. Honestly, I didn't think about whether or not I would ever see Mandy once we returned to America because we weren't super close. She was a true friend, though... always welcoming, real, and there for me just to talk or laugh or go do something. The two of us were so set to get a little hut on the beach in Yalta and spend the whole week there doing absolutly nothing... because we deserved it. We lamented together about the number of cathedrals we were dragged to on our Ukrainian tour of Prauge, Dresden, and Krakow. We sat outside the salt mines on the bus and talked. She introduced me to sesame seed covered white chocolate poppy seed ice cream bars...seriously delish. We shared one another's anticipation to go home and be with family and friends again. I asked her what she was going to have for dinner the night we got home. She said her mom was driving to Salt Lake to pick her up and that they would eat at a restaraunt and stay over night before returning to Hurricane, UT the next morning. The thing she looked forward to most was that car ride home- just she and her mom.

I'm grateful my image and memories of Mandy are so vivid. In my reflections the past few days, and as I think about who Mandy is, how she spent her time here, and what she believed in and lived for I feel the depth of her touch in my life. It is death's bitter irony to open my eyes by closing another's. Reality is still hard to comprehend. It seems unreal, so sudden. The past few days have been slow. I'm grateful. I have had time to ponder lots, including the majesty of an all-powerful and ever-merciful, loving Heavenly Father. Having been around Mandy, having served at her side I understand why He who knows all and seeks first the eternal happiness of all His children would have called His beautiful and valiant daughter to work on the other side of the veil, if it is what He sees is best. While comfort and confidence comes from truth, it doesn't take away the loss, the heavy aching heart. My heart and sympathy and thoughts and prayers go out to her family and friends who know and love her most. I am so sorry. She was amazing to be around.

I truly believe that through the grace of Christ her spirit of optimism, her smile, and her light continues to eminate, changing those who treasure it for good. It has been so for me.

Mandy, Desi, me

Mandy, me, Oksanna, Alison, Hilary, Jaime, Michelle

Hurricane, UT—Mandy Johnson, age 20, died in a plane crash Friday, August 22, 2008. She was born March 5, 1988 in St. George, Utah, to Bevin Johnson and Susan Sandberg Johnson. Mandy had recently become engaged to Scott Barney of Hatch, Utah.Mandy’s motto in life was “kindness is contagious—catch it,” and her unwavering smile brought joy to everyone she met. As a student at Hurricane High, Mandy participated in tennis, the Future Farmers of America, and various pageants. She was currently pursuing a communications degree at Southern Utah University.
Mandy is survived by her parents, Bevin and Susan Johnson of Hurricane, Utah; brothers Golden (Kendra) Johnson of LaVerkin, Utah, Met (Maridee) Johnson of LaVerkin, Utah, and Whitney (Tiffany) Johnson of Cedar City, Utah; a sister Amy (Jared) Frost of Henderson, Nevada; and 11 adoring nieces and nephews.
Funeral services will be Thursday, August 28, 2008 at 11:00 a.m. at the Hurricane Stake Center at 677 S 700 W. Friends and family may call Wednesday, August 27, from 6-8 p.m. at Spilsbury Mortuary in Hurricane at 140 N Main Street, and on Thursday, August 28 from 9:30-10:30 a.m. at the Hurricane Stake Center. Interment will take place in the Hurricane cemetery.Arrangements are made under the direction of Spilsbury Mortuary, 110 S Bluff Street, St. George, Utah, (435) 673-2454.
Mandy's ultimate goal was to live life to the fullest and live happy.

A Writing from Before

(In memory and love)

Dear Haley,

We had life, you and I. Yes, as kindergarteners we had the world as it is so longed for by those caught in the race of time. A life of dried glue flaking off our tiny fingertips. And our new school outfits transformed into dancing kaleidoscopes of paint: swirling blues, purples, reds, and yellows. That was our life.
We had weeks of climbing that twisty green slide. The thick air in that 12-foot tube still chokes me as we scuffle, heaving to the top. Those were our weeks.
We had days in the swimming pool. Oh those Gilbert summers with hot, hot sidewalks. The ten steps to the gate made us feel like coal-walkers, dancing across a singeing river of red. You couldn't swim, so I suspended your arms as you kicked with all your might. Then the foam from your effort would rise up and encircle us tauntingly, but those were our days.
Then time grew, along with the miles between us. Catastrophe smacked your already failing heart into that unfeeling bed. It was the cold hospital room and the IV embedded into the thick purple vein visible through the paper skin on your hand that brought me back, but I was there and it was our hour. An hour of more than clashing instruments in the next room over and a nurse's soft hum as she mundanely walks past. I ignored the crusted pain etched yellow in your face. You smiled for me. You always did...
An hour and then seconds. Seconds where your one embrace opened my eyes to the irony death cultivates, seconds richer than life. Accumulated seconds once filled with busywork became individual seconds of pink-kissed blossoms spotting the tree outside my window.
Oh Haley! We had life, you and I. Yes, we had life and weeks and days and that hour and a second which turned into nothing. But when I remember to step back and value the worth of individual seconds, we have the world again, as it is so longed for by those caught in the race of time.

Forever, my friend.
Kami